Today marks 4 months clean and sober. I won't be at my gay 12 Step meeting as I went yesterday and, in all honesty, I just wanna go home, watch the TV and do a little Ebay shopping. Not to worry folks, I just wanna veg at home, not wash down morphine with a good bourbon. It's only been on occasion that I've had a hankerin' for a glass of wine or a Maker's Mark with a splash of coke. Not a craving mind you, just a thought about how much I do enjoy the taste of each. Having dinner with my sister at a nice restaurant in downtown Austin a week ago, I ordered a beef filet that, while delicious, would have been better with a rich cabernet.
But alas, it's very clear to me that my propensity to use Rx drugs is fueled by my need/desire to alter my mood and that if I drink, even just a little bit, that faint, addictive voice in my head will be telling me very soon, "If it's ok for you to have a glass of wine with dinner, it's gonna be ok for you to take a xanax. Go ahead, you can do it! You can just have one". Of course if I do, I won't have just one; I'll have four. That time. Then it will be six and on and on. Then it'll be back to the treatment center and I really do prefer the high thread count linens on my bed and not having a manic depressive roommate who flicks his Bic lighter all over the room at 5am.
There are so many benefits to daily sobriety. Conciousness. Clarity. Regularity (yeah, the high fiber kind). Like WOW! It's so nice to remember exactly what I did the day before (even if I can't always remember where my wallet is). It's so nice to have people actually seem to enjoy my phone calls (even if I'm not prone to calling very often). It's so nice to enjoy being cognizant of every feeling I have (even if sometimes that feeling is that something or someone has irritated the piss outta me). It's just nice being present, alert, in control and not being the "victim" that I'd become. Life is better.
PS: I did go to a meeting after all.........
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4 comments:
Good for you. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be. Keep up the great work with this blog, your style is great and very readable.
Well if you keep quitting the addiction sooner or later it sticks.
Keep up the good work.
I cannot believe that people listen to O'Reilly to the point of cancelling a service just because O'Reilly doens't like the company. Incredible. Read Nitpicker today about Ann Coulter. She is evil.
wow...that's all I gotta say...
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