365 days ago, I checked myself into treatment or, as one old geezer member of my 12 step group insists I should call it, rehab. This means, that I've been clean and sober for a year now which, considering that virtually every day from the time I was 14 until a year ago I was in some way chemically altered (that's almost 30 years folks), is truly remarkable. In this last year, there has amazingly only been one time when I had a strong desire to alter the way I felt with chemicals and that was brief and very quickly dealt with.
My life has improved dramatically in so many ways. I'm reconnecting with family while, at the same time, limiting any contact that would threaten my stability. I'm also reconnecting with some old friends while other old friends have faded into the proverbial woodwork. My romantic life actually is humming right along as I've discovered that some guys actually find my being clear and present is attractive. Wow! My health and physical fitness are at a peak. My job with the insurance company, while at times frustrating, is solid and provides a good income and excellent benefits. More often than not, I'm having a good day and because I am truly grateful for all that I have, I feel much joy.
Life is good and I'm moving on.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
When My Sobriety Gets Jeopardized
I'm writing this at 5am, having woken up after 4 and a half hours sleep. It took me two hours to fall sleep when I laid down at 10:30pm. For the first time in the almost year that I've been sober, last night I had a really strong desire for xanax washed down with a glass of good whiskey.
I've known for a month now that I would have 12 days of repeated family situations which, for me, tend to be frought with peril in terms of high levels of anxiety. I've prayed, I've meditated, I've gotten massage, acupuncture and chiropractic. I've spoken openly in the 12 step meetings I go to about the concerns I have. I've talked with the psychiatrist I see once a month. I've done everything I can think of to prepare myself mentally and physically for the stress I was sure would ensue.
Nonetheless, I found myself wanting the xanax/Makers Mark combo just a few hours ago. The situtation that developed came from a sibling who I was around for two nights in a row. This person has had some rather intense medical treatment recently for what was a potentially life threatening illness so their energy/stamina levels have been low. I understand this and I empathize with how draining the treatments must be especially when combined with the Texas summer heat. Two nights in a row I've been around this sibling as we went out and attempted to celebrate with a niece who's in town and last night with my mother for her birthday. Both nights this sibling acted disrespectfully to me and to my mother. Not just disrespectfully, but like an ill mannered, self absorbed child. This sibling is over the half century mark in age.
The medical situation may, to a degree, explain the mental condition this person is in. It does does not, however, excuse infantile, abusive, boorish behavior. I was around a lot of gravely ill (and dying for that matter) friends in the late 80's and early 90's. Professionals and caretakers who dealt with them would always remind those of us who were involved that when the sick individual acted out in such a way as to be hurtful and abusive, it was OK to try to understand what they were going through but to remember they didn't have a license to act like a jackass simply because they were ill.
Today I'm supposed to take this sibling and the niece to another niece's wedding. Moved heaven and earth to make it happen in terms of changing my schedule at work (which was really, really not easy), getting right mentally to be around lots of family that I haven't seen in well over a year, buying clothes and setting aside money for gas (the wedding is a good hour and a half drive from Austin). After writing all this, I realize how tired and drained I am and how I don't have it in me for anymore drama from this relative or any other. For me, the costs of dealing with someone who has made the choice to act like this are too great. Additionally, I've reached a point where I am no longer able to excuse this sibling's continual beration of our mother. I've had it.
Almost a year ago, I decided my substance use and behavior had to change. I worked hard to do just that and my life, outlook and relationships are improving in enormous ways. I wish this relative would make some similar changes but that's not up to me. What is up to me is deciding not to be around this person if they are going to act like this and to tell them in no uncertain terms that treating our mother as they have been is not ok.
I'm not going to use chemicals to change how I feel over all this. But I sure wanted to.
I've known for a month now that I would have 12 days of repeated family situations which, for me, tend to be frought with peril in terms of high levels of anxiety. I've prayed, I've meditated, I've gotten massage, acupuncture and chiropractic. I've spoken openly in the 12 step meetings I go to about the concerns I have. I've talked with the psychiatrist I see once a month. I've done everything I can think of to prepare myself mentally and physically for the stress I was sure would ensue.
Nonetheless, I found myself wanting the xanax/Makers Mark combo just a few hours ago. The situtation that developed came from a sibling who I was around for two nights in a row. This person has had some rather intense medical treatment recently for what was a potentially life threatening illness so their energy/stamina levels have been low. I understand this and I empathize with how draining the treatments must be especially when combined with the Texas summer heat. Two nights in a row I've been around this sibling as we went out and attempted to celebrate with a niece who's in town and last night with my mother for her birthday. Both nights this sibling acted disrespectfully to me and to my mother. Not just disrespectfully, but like an ill mannered, self absorbed child. This sibling is over the half century mark in age.
The medical situation may, to a degree, explain the mental condition this person is in. It does does not, however, excuse infantile, abusive, boorish behavior. I was around a lot of gravely ill (and dying for that matter) friends in the late 80's and early 90's. Professionals and caretakers who dealt with them would always remind those of us who were involved that when the sick individual acted out in such a way as to be hurtful and abusive, it was OK to try to understand what they were going through but to remember they didn't have a license to act like a jackass simply because they were ill.
Today I'm supposed to take this sibling and the niece to another niece's wedding. Moved heaven and earth to make it happen in terms of changing my schedule at work (which was really, really not easy), getting right mentally to be around lots of family that I haven't seen in well over a year, buying clothes and setting aside money for gas (the wedding is a good hour and a half drive from Austin). After writing all this, I realize how tired and drained I am and how I don't have it in me for anymore drama from this relative or any other. For me, the costs of dealing with someone who has made the choice to act like this are too great. Additionally, I've reached a point where I am no longer able to excuse this sibling's continual beration of our mother. I've had it.
Almost a year ago, I decided my substance use and behavior had to change. I worked hard to do just that and my life, outlook and relationships are improving in enormous ways. I wish this relative would make some similar changes but that's not up to me. What is up to me is deciding not to be around this person if they are going to act like this and to tell them in no uncertain terms that treating our mother as they have been is not ok.
I'm not going to use chemicals to change how I feel over all this. But I sure wanted to.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
What the American Flag Stands For by Charlotte Aldebron, age 12
The American flag stands for the fact that cloth can be very important. It is against the law to let the flag touch the ground or to leave the flag flying when the weather is bad. The flag has to be treated with respect. You can tell just how important this cloth is because when you compare it to people, it gets much better treatment. Nobody cares if a homeless person touches the ground. A homeless person can lie all over the ground all night long without anyone picking him up, folding him neatly and sheltering him from the rain.
School children have to pledge loyalty to this piece of cloth every morning. No one has to pledge loyalty to justice and equality and human decency. No one has to promise that people will get a fair wage, or enough food to eat, or affordable medicine, or clean water, or air free of harmful chemicals. But we all have to promise to love a rectangle of red, white, and blue cloth.
Betsy Ross would be quite surprised to see how successful her creation has become. But Thomas Jefferson would be disappointed to see how little of the flag's real meaning remains.
Charlotte Aldebron, 12, wrote this essay for a competition in her 6th grade English class. She attends Cunningham Middle School in Presque Isle, Maine.
School children have to pledge loyalty to this piece of cloth every morning. No one has to pledge loyalty to justice and equality and human decency. No one has to promise that people will get a fair wage, or enough food to eat, or affordable medicine, or clean water, or air free of harmful chemicals. But we all have to promise to love a rectangle of red, white, and blue cloth.
Betsy Ross would be quite surprised to see how successful her creation has become. But Thomas Jefferson would be disappointed to see how little of the flag's real meaning remains.
Charlotte Aldebron, 12, wrote this essay for a competition in her 6th grade English class. She attends Cunningham Middle School in Presque Isle, Maine.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Carlos
I first saw you when I began volunteering at the warehouse. I sat there mindlessly inspecting the cassettes for the blind and you descended the metal stairs in front of me. I was immediately struck by the smoldering carnalism that flowed from every inch of your sinewy body. There was no way not to notice you as your searing presence would not be ignored. I knew when I saw you that the torrid lust that erupted from within me would be wholly satisfied.
On every visit I've studied you intensely. You are taller than I am, easily six foot and quite syphlike. Your expansive shoulders top a torso that narrows past your thick, solid chest and smooth, taut abdomen, down to a naturally tapered waist. Your smoothly muscled, lanky legs descend from a diminutive pair of buttocks that roll delicately from the small of your back. The low rise jeans you favor fit you well and disclose the protracted, leaden component of your manhood and your inclination to wear boxers.
Semi-curly, un-tamed, black hair tops your profile which is usually veiled by a days growth of beard. Your Latin heritage is evident in your linear face, a face that frames a pair of incandescent, brown eyes. It's your eyes that ignite my desire. When you look at me, those narrow, amorous eyes speak in a language that decidedly communicates a coarse sensuality which states to me that you will have what you want in the manner you choose to have it.
Our trysts throughout the warehouse have been the most animalistic, torrid encounters of my life. Impelled by you onto the immediate surface of our transient beds, the savage force with which we battered our lust would fracture titanium. Our vigorous unifications have left me spent, gratified, and complete. It's you that I think of when I must trek to the warehouse for I know that you will quench my lust in a way no one else has......ever......
if only in my mind...........
On every visit I've studied you intensely. You are taller than I am, easily six foot and quite syphlike. Your expansive shoulders top a torso that narrows past your thick, solid chest and smooth, taut abdomen, down to a naturally tapered waist. Your smoothly muscled, lanky legs descend from a diminutive pair of buttocks that roll delicately from the small of your back. The low rise jeans you favor fit you well and disclose the protracted, leaden component of your manhood and your inclination to wear boxers.
Semi-curly, un-tamed, black hair tops your profile which is usually veiled by a days growth of beard. Your Latin heritage is evident in your linear face, a face that frames a pair of incandescent, brown eyes. It's your eyes that ignite my desire. When you look at me, those narrow, amorous eyes speak in a language that decidedly communicates a coarse sensuality which states to me that you will have what you want in the manner you choose to have it.
Our trysts throughout the warehouse have been the most animalistic, torrid encounters of my life. Impelled by you onto the immediate surface of our transient beds, the savage force with which we battered our lust would fracture titanium. Our vigorous unifications have left me spent, gratified, and complete. It's you that I think of when I must trek to the warehouse for I know that you will quench my lust in a way no one else has......ever......
if only in my mind...........
Monday, July 03, 2006
Some New Links
I've added some new daily read links on the right hand side of this blog. They are:
James' Site : I dated James the first few months of this year. I count that experience as one of the best since my recovery. James is a thoughtful, sweet, vivacious individual and quite a writer. When we trade emails while at work, the few sentences that will take me an hour to hammer out in between distractions are the part of the first of three paragraphs that James will send in a matter of minutes. Quick mind, cute guy, nice person. I'm blessed to have him in my life.
Caperton Classic Art : This is the business site of a friend I know through 12 step meetings. He has an amazing number of classic art prints available including some beautiful male nudes (ok, my personal favorites, it's true). Please take time to peruse his gallery.
Messopotamian Blog : This is a blog by an Iraqi who, as best I can tell, lives in or around Baghdad. He gives an insiders view of what's happening there something that we, as Americans, rarely get from US media. It aint pretty.
James' Site : I dated James the first few months of this year. I count that experience as one of the best since my recovery. James is a thoughtful, sweet, vivacious individual and quite a writer. When we trade emails while at work, the few sentences that will take me an hour to hammer out in between distractions are the part of the first of three paragraphs that James will send in a matter of minutes. Quick mind, cute guy, nice person. I'm blessed to have him in my life.
Caperton Classic Art : This is the business site of a friend I know through 12 step meetings. He has an amazing number of classic art prints available including some beautiful male nudes (ok, my personal favorites, it's true). Please take time to peruse his gallery.
Messopotamian Blog : This is a blog by an Iraqi who, as best I can tell, lives in or around Baghdad. He gives an insiders view of what's happening there something that we, as Americans, rarely get from US media. It aint pretty.
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