I can fix me but only you can fix you.

I've been reminded in recent days that just because I've chosen to work on myself (rehab, therapy, exploring spirituality, owning up to my behavior, etc, etc), that doesn't mean that those around me are under any obligation to do the same.

A little over a week ago I sent a few different relatives and friends thank you notes for their assistance in getting me around and helping me shop while I was without transportation. It seemed like the appropriate, polite thing to do and is what my momma always taught me was the sign of good manners. There was, however, one relative that looked right past the gesture and focused on, in a rather pointed way, the abhorrent error I made in misspelling their spouse's name (once again!).

Now, being totally honest here, I'm guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I did misspell the spouse's name on the envelope and card and it wasn't the first time. Indeed the relative had pointed this out to me a few weeks ago. The spouse has never made mention of this so I don't know if it bothers the spouse, the relative, or both of them. In discussing it with other family members, it seems that I am not the only one to make this gaffe. The name is a very common one but is one letter different from the usual spelling. Kind of like if your name was "Phil" and you spelled it "Phill". OK, are you with me?

So, the day my thank you card is received, I get an email from the relative that starts off misspelling my name in capital letters. Twice. The email then goes on to say:

"If you are being funny, the joke is not humorous.

If you are being negligent, please pay attention.

If you are being intentionally disrespectful,
please continue on right as you are doing."

Ummm, hello, I wasn't being anything other than my sometimes absent minded yet well intentioned self.

Now, this relative is prone to taking something like this and making a Federal Case of Intentional Disrespect out of it. I responded with an email that I just made a simple human goof, I meant no disrespect and that a Federal Case wasnt warranted. I further stated that the tone was mean, unnecessary and unappreciated. I also typed a letter of sincere apology to the spouse and mailed it. Yes, a Letter of Apology for misspelling the name on the Thank You note I had mailed a week earlier. Does anyone else have to do things like this with their family?

The response from the relative came back along with a PS:

" I have re-sent this, as it was undeliverable as you had addressed it when I tried to reply. I guess you changed your name to ***** in the address line to do this (****-*-******@austin.rr.com>). Seems to unnecessarily perpetuate this exchange concerning names. Just another joke on your part?"

Oh lawd. Actually I had misstyped it (yes, I misspelled my own name...do you see how prone to this I am? I certainly meant no disrespect to myself, intentional or otherwise) when I reloaded Windows on my PC a couple of weeks back. I thought it was a Road Runner tech who made the mistake, but no, it was me. I am the guilty party. I responded that it seemed to be an error on someone's part and that it seemed rather human.

The final exchange has the relative telling me to get over my "victim mentality." Well, I really don't feel like a "victim" here; the term "victim" evokes the feelings I had when my car window got smashed or when Bush was awarded the 2000 election by the Supremes. That's victimization! No, I am just annoyed that this relative, who really does have some wonderful qualities, can't see their own role in a situation. I am perplexed that they must always, always be right and the other person in the situation is making too much out of things and has a "victim mentality" or some other mental aberration that might require professional help. I am taken aback that they think they can send an arrogant, caustic communication and then act indignant that it provokes a less than friendly response.

But I'm clear that I will continue to work to improve my flawed self and continue to make small but steady advances. I'm also clear that I'm only responsible for improving me.

Everybody else is on their own.