As I began this year I made the decision that I would venture back into the dating world. I'd dropped out sometime back and wasn't really dating material for the previous couple of years. When you speak unintelligibly and tend to nod off for 20+ hours a day, people aren't necessarily interested in dating you. I also felt that I hadn't wanted to risk the possibility of hurt that comes with making yourself vulnerable to a another human being. But last January I'd been sober for 6 months and felt like I was in a good place to open myself up to the possibility of meeting new guys and seeing what the world of potential relationships had to offer. I was very content with my singleness and was of a mind that if I didn't meet anyone that I clicked with enough to get in a relationship it would be ok; I was OK with just me and that, I felt, was the perfect place to come from. If one must have another person to make themselves happy then they are approaching the world of relationships from a needy, insecure place. Luckily, I felt very secure.
So I put myself on the market. I met Jamison online in January and we had our first date over dinner within a week. Taller and leaner than myself, Jamison had red, curly hair, a vivacious personality and a snow white smile. He came to my apartment and we went out for pizza. Jamison was intelligent, witty and very funny. I recall that I was very nervous and quite unsure of myself. In spite of that, I seemed to have made a good impression on him and he certainly did on me. We were off to the races!
Jamison and I dated for about 4 months and it was a wonderful time. He's a true romantic and was fully engaged emotionally. I loved every minute of it. But sometimes you begin to realize that you make better friends than lovers and I think he and I both began to flash on this in April. So we had an emotional conversation and decided to end our relationship as boyfriends. But we began a relationship as friends and Jamison has become such a dear, valued confidante to me that I have no regrets whatsoever that I took that chance back in January. The return on that investment has been huge.
The next Gallant Knight to enter my world was Fernando. It seems that Fernando and I had had a rendezvous about a year earlier which I don't recall. At all. It seems I met Fernando during a hazy time which has few memories for me. Benzodiazapines will have that affect. I seem to have made an impression on him however as he was insistent via emails and IM's that we reconnect. So we did. Looking at pictures he sent me he was a handsome, smiling, height/weight proportionate guy. The person that showed up at my door was handsome and smiling but the height/weight proportionate description no longer applied to the tune of about 30 pounds. We went to dinner and the conversation was about as exciting as watching grass grow. On top of our vapid conversation, Fernando mentioned several times how unhappy he was that he couldn't seem to find a boyfriend. I'm sure the fact that he was uninteresting, overweight and needy had nothing to do with that. I arrived home with a huge sigh of relief and mentally crossed him off the potentials list.
Applicant number 3 came in the form of a 5 foot 4 inch, sculpted, muscular, Latino, champion gymnast (he'd been to and won US national competitions) we'll call Joe. I'd chatted on line with Joe for over 2 years and we ran into each other again one night via the magic of high speed cable internet service. Joe showed up at my door a few nights later and suffice to say that we began a torrid series of encounters that lasted a couple of months. Although flighty and often unreliable, Joe impressed me with his passion and he holds the memorable spot as the only guy that has ever done a nude handstand and then walked across the floor on those same hands in my presence. I was impressed. Very impressed.
Joe claimed he suffered from ADD which seemed to explain his inability to complete a thought and his tendency to change plans on a moments notice. He could be very warm, tender and emotionally intimate. He could also be completely unreliable. What I came to discover as the real reason for his flightiness was that Joe, like far too many gay men, was a meth addict struggling not to be one. Our brief, incandescent fling ended when Joe stood me up in San Antonio. That very day I deleted his number and email.
I ended the last third of the year seeing John. John was born in Monterrey, Mexico but raised in the Texas panhandle. 22 years my junior, he was affectionate and very self directed. We had begun seeing one another in September but stopped after two months when he couldn't abide the fact that Jamison and I were still friends. When I advised him that my friendship with Jamison was non-negotiable he advised that we should go our separate ways. I semi-reluctantly agreed but within 24 hours began to receive numerous irrational and unfriendly text and voice messages. I decided I'd been blessed with having dodged a bullet and went on with life.
Stuart was my first and, so far only, date of myspace origin (yes, I finally developed a page) entering the parade at the end of October. He found me through a mutual friends myspace page and the friend communicated that Stuart thought I was cute. After viewing his pics I responded the feeling was mutual. We ended up going out for several meals and one night of movie watching at my place. Stuart was an ICU nurse, very goal oriented and extremely focused on his profession. Speaking for myself, although he was attractive, employed, extremely intelligent, had runner's buns you could bounce a half dollar off of and shimmering eyes, the spark wasn't there and you just can't fake that. I suspect he felt the same way. The calls ended at Thanksgiving.
At the beginning of December I began to hear from John again via emails to my myspace page. His messages were introspective and indicated that he regretted his decision to end what we had going. I finally agreed to meet him on December 5th and I knew when I saw his smile that there was something about him that stirred a passion in my heart. I didn't listen to the little voice in my head that said this might not work. Funny how the heart overrules the mind sometimes.
We made it 20 days before John broke a promise (not the first) and as we tried to work through my hurt feelings and his surly reaction to them, it became apparent to me that I should have listened to that voice. I ended that second attempt feeling love for John and being pleased with myself that I had been a gentleman. I was also warmed by the fact that despite my deep feelings for this guy, I wasn't knocked off center for very long when my hopes that we could develop a relationship were dashed.
I head into 2007 having learned a lot from these experiences. I'm solid in what I value in a potential partner, confident that I have something to offer in a relationship, and reminded that others find attractive qualities in me.
So I put myself on the market. I met Jamison online in January and we had our first date over dinner within a week. Taller and leaner than myself, Jamison had red, curly hair, a vivacious personality and a snow white smile. He came to my apartment and we went out for pizza. Jamison was intelligent, witty and very funny. I recall that I was very nervous and quite unsure of myself. In spite of that, I seemed to have made a good impression on him and he certainly did on me. We were off to the races!
Jamison and I dated for about 4 months and it was a wonderful time. He's a true romantic and was fully engaged emotionally. I loved every minute of it. But sometimes you begin to realize that you make better friends than lovers and I think he and I both began to flash on this in April. So we had an emotional conversation and decided to end our relationship as boyfriends. But we began a relationship as friends and Jamison has become such a dear, valued confidante to me that I have no regrets whatsoever that I took that chance back in January. The return on that investment has been huge.
The next Gallant Knight to enter my world was Fernando. It seems that Fernando and I had had a rendezvous about a year earlier which I don't recall. At all. It seems I met Fernando during a hazy time which has few memories for me. Benzodiazapines will have that affect. I seem to have made an impression on him however as he was insistent via emails and IM's that we reconnect. So we did. Looking at pictures he sent me he was a handsome, smiling, height/weight proportionate guy. The person that showed up at my door was handsome and smiling but the height/weight proportionate description no longer applied to the tune of about 30 pounds. We went to dinner and the conversation was about as exciting as watching grass grow. On top of our vapid conversation, Fernando mentioned several times how unhappy he was that he couldn't seem to find a boyfriend. I'm sure the fact that he was uninteresting, overweight and needy had nothing to do with that. I arrived home with a huge sigh of relief and mentally crossed him off the potentials list.
Applicant number 3 came in the form of a 5 foot 4 inch, sculpted, muscular, Latino, champion gymnast (he'd been to and won US national competitions) we'll call Joe. I'd chatted on line with Joe for over 2 years and we ran into each other again one night via the magic of high speed cable internet service. Joe showed up at my door a few nights later and suffice to say that we began a torrid series of encounters that lasted a couple of months. Although flighty and often unreliable, Joe impressed me with his passion and he holds the memorable spot as the only guy that has ever done a nude handstand and then walked across the floor on those same hands in my presence. I was impressed. Very impressed.
Joe claimed he suffered from ADD which seemed to explain his inability to complete a thought and his tendency to change plans on a moments notice. He could be very warm, tender and emotionally intimate. He could also be completely unreliable. What I came to discover as the real reason for his flightiness was that Joe, like far too many gay men, was a meth addict struggling not to be one. Our brief, incandescent fling ended when Joe stood me up in San Antonio. That very day I deleted his number and email.
I ended the last third of the year seeing John. John was born in Monterrey, Mexico but raised in the Texas panhandle. 22 years my junior, he was affectionate and very self directed. We had begun seeing one another in September but stopped after two months when he couldn't abide the fact that Jamison and I were still friends. When I advised him that my friendship with Jamison was non-negotiable he advised that we should go our separate ways. I semi-reluctantly agreed but within 24 hours began to receive numerous irrational and unfriendly text and voice messages. I decided I'd been blessed with having dodged a bullet and went on with life.
Stuart was my first and, so far only, date of myspace origin (yes, I finally developed a page) entering the parade at the end of October. He found me through a mutual friends myspace page and the friend communicated that Stuart thought I was cute. After viewing his pics I responded the feeling was mutual. We ended up going out for several meals and one night of movie watching at my place. Stuart was an ICU nurse, very goal oriented and extremely focused on his profession. Speaking for myself, although he was attractive, employed, extremely intelligent, had runner's buns you could bounce a half dollar off of and shimmering eyes, the spark wasn't there and you just can't fake that. I suspect he felt the same way. The calls ended at Thanksgiving.
At the beginning of December I began to hear from John again via emails to my myspace page. His messages were introspective and indicated that he regretted his decision to end what we had going. I finally agreed to meet him on December 5th and I knew when I saw his smile that there was something about him that stirred a passion in my heart. I didn't listen to the little voice in my head that said this might not work. Funny how the heart overrules the mind sometimes.
We made it 20 days before John broke a promise (not the first) and as we tried to work through my hurt feelings and his surly reaction to them, it became apparent to me that I should have listened to that voice. I ended that second attempt feeling love for John and being pleased with myself that I had been a gentleman. I was also warmed by the fact that despite my deep feelings for this guy, I wasn't knocked off center for very long when my hopes that we could develop a relationship were dashed.
I head into 2007 having learned a lot from these experiences. I'm solid in what I value in a potential partner, confident that I have something to offer in a relationship, and reminded that others find attractive qualities in me.
I'm also content with just sleeping with myself :)~
2 comments:
Where are you? You haven't posted for a whole month!!!!
Sorry I have not visited your blog in so long. But posts like this make it certainly worthwhile. I can see some parallels in my own life at the moment.
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