When My Sobriety Gets Jeopardized

I'm writing this at 5am, having woken up after 4 and a half hours sleep. It took me two hours to fall sleep when I laid down at 10:30pm. For the first time in the almost year that I've been sober, last night I had a really strong desire for xanax washed down with a glass of good whiskey.

I've known for a month now that I would have 12 days of repeated family situations which, for me, tend to be frought with peril in terms of high levels of anxiety. I've prayed, I've meditated, I've gotten massage, acupuncture and chiropractic. I've spoken openly in the 12 step meetings I go to about the concerns I have. I've talked with the psychiatrist I see once a month. I've done everything I can think of to prepare myself mentally and physically for the stress I was sure would ensue.

Nonetheless, I found myself wanting the xanax/Makers Mark combo just a few hours ago. The situtation that developed came from a sibling who I was around for two nights in a row. This person has had some rather intense medical treatment recently for what was a potentially life threatening illness so their energy/stamina levels have been low. I understand this and I empathize with how draining the treatments must be especially when combined with the Texas summer heat. Two nights in a row I've been around this sibling as we went out and attempted to celebrate with a niece who's in town and last night with my mother for her birthday. Both nights this sibling acted disrespectfully to me and to my mother. Not just disrespectfully, but like an ill mannered, self absorbed child. This sibling is over the half century mark in age.

The medical situation may, to a degree, explain the mental condition this person is in. It does does not, however, excuse infantile, abusive, boorish behavior. I was around a lot of gravely ill (and dying for that matter) friends in the late 80's and early 90's. Professionals and caretakers who dealt with them would always remind those of us who were involved that when the sick individual acted out in such a way as to be hurtful and abusive, it was OK to try to understand what they were going through but to remember they didn't have a license to act like a jackass simply because they were ill.

Today I'm supposed to take this sibling and the niece to another niece's wedding. Moved heaven and earth to make it happen in terms of changing my schedule at work (which was really, really not easy), getting right mentally to be around lots of family that I haven't seen in well over a year, buying clothes and setting aside money for gas (the wedding is a good hour and a half drive from Austin). After writing all this, I realize how tired and drained I am and how I don't have it in me for anymore drama from this relative or any other. For me, the costs of dealing with someone who has made the choice to act like this are too great. Additionally, I've reached a point where I am no longer able to excuse this sibling's continual beration of our mother. I've had it.

Almost a year ago, I decided my substance use and behavior had to change. I worked hard to do just that and my life, outlook and relationships are improving in enormous ways. I wish this relative would make some similar changes but that's not up to me. What is up to me is deciding not to be around this person if they are going to act like this and to tell them in no uncertain terms that treating our mother as they have been is not ok.

I'm not going to use chemicals to change how I feel over all this. But I sure wanted to.