One Time I Listened to My Sixth Sense

While reading the book that I mentioned in my previous post, I've been reflecting on times when I've been "been highly aware of the subtleties of my environment including the subtleties of people's body language, word choice and inflection." There was one time when this ability served me well.

In 1989 I moved to San Diego where I lived for several years. It was a great experience and broadened my horizons immeasurably. Within a year of moving there, I met a guy at a night club, Andrew DeSilva. Andrew was charming, intelligent and handsome. There was also something about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on...something that just caused my inner voice to make me approach with caution. Andrew and I went out a couple of times. He wanted to keep seeing me and called me a number of times but I let it go and didn't pursue him in any way. I never could articulate to myself why but I just felt it better that I not. I would see him around town once in a while and he seemed to run in a fast crowd, as did I, albeit different crowds. I ended up moving back to Texas and didn't think of Andrew DeSilva for several years.

In July of 1997 the news was seized with the story of a killer making his way across the country. I didn't recognized the name, Andrew Cunanan, but when I saw the picture that flashed on CNN, I had a very sick feeling. Cunanan was known to me as Andrew DeSilva, the same person that my inner voice had said stay away from 7 years earlier. He'd murdered four people in a cross-country journey during a three-month period. He then murdered Gianne Versace on July 15, 1997 on the steps of Versace's Miami Beach mansion and, eight days later on July 23, Cunanan committed suicide in the upstairs bedroom aboard a Miami houseboat apparently to avoid capture by the police.

One never knows where life will take you or whom you might encounter. I'm just reminded how fortunate I am to have good gut instincts.

Highly Sensitive Me

A friend recently loaned me a book called The Highly Sensitive Person which I've only just begun to read. The few pages I've read have brought home a realization that I seem to fall into the 1/5th of the population that falls into the "highly sensitive" category. Now the term "highly sensitive" conjures up someone who takes things too personally and is easily hurt but this is not what the book and the label refer to.

The title refers to some people's tendencies to:

* Be highly aware of the subtleties of their environment including the subtleties of people's body language, word choice and inflection;

* Be very sensitive to pain;

* Find themselves needing to withdraw during busy days to the solace of a quiet, private place;

* Be easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, or loud noises;

* Be deeply moved by the arts or music;

* Notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes and sounds;

* Make it a high priority to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations;

* Become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around them.

OK, a light bulb went on! All of these things seem so very familiar to me. I've often felt that I noticed things about people and situations that others miss. Indeed, I have a sibling who has just the opposite tendency - they are absolutely, totally unaware of most subtleties, especially those involving people. It seems that I pick up on how people say things, the inflection they use, their body language, a look in their eye and also on the things they don't say. I've referred to it as my Sixth Sense.

My sensitivity to pain is well known by close relatives, especially my mother. She has advised me that, even as a small child, I seemed to feel pain very deeply and intensely. This may have been a factor in my affinity for pain medication when I had any physical discomfort.

I've been acutely aware since my trip to treatment that making sure my schedule didn't get too full had to be a priority. When I get too many balls in the air, I get overwhelmed and anxious. Not a good thing for me. I'm also cognizant of how important quiet, alone time is for me. If I don't get it, I feel cranky, unfocused and get rather surley and let's not even talk about the affect that loud noises (car alarms, ringing cell phones, babies crying) have on my nervous system.

So far the book seems enlightening and empowering.

An Open Letter to the 16%

Dear 16%:

I've been noticing the polls lately and it seems that the President is down to about 32% that approve of his performance. In the 2004 election, he won with just under 51% of the vote (such a mandate!) and in the 2000 election.....well, let's just not even go there. So if you do a little math, that leaves 16% of the public, you guys, that seemed to think that W was doing an OK enough job that you should vote for his re-election.

Consider these figures: 49% of us knew, knew in our hearts, that W shouldn't occupy the Oval Office. 32% seem to think W hung the moon (indeed, the Prez could probably sacrifice his mother atop an alter on the South Lawn of the White House - which personally I'd be in favor of... she's evil too - while wearing a pink tutu and drinking her blood and the 32% would still think he's a swell guy). Now you 16% seem to be the ones who waver back and forth between approving and disapproving of his this dangerous buffoon. Let's talk for a minute, k?

When you don't pay close attention and you throw your vote to someone because you like their ads, you don't like the other candidate very much or you don't feel like taking the time to research their background, there are consequences. In this case the consequences have been quite costly to all of us. Think about it.

Your careless votes got us a President who took us to war with a country which had never attacked us and did not threaten us. In the process, we've spent well over $87 billion and the cost estimates indicate that before we're done that figure will be in the $1-2.5 trillion range. That could buy a lot of health care folks. Additionally, Iraq is now, by W's State Department's own admission, a hotbed of terrorism. It wasn't before we invaded. Saddam was a despot, that's true, but he was basically impotent in terms of being any threat.

Your careless votes got us huge tax cuts for the wealthy and an eye popping federal budget deficit. Remember when that scoundrel Bill Clinton was in office and we had a budget surplus? The deficit now tops $8 trillion and over $4 trillion of that was amassed under W's watch since 2000. That's debt owed by us and increasingly owed to the Chinese. Comforting, huh?

Your careless votes enabled Cheney and W to award over $8 billion in contracts in Iraq to Halliburton in 2003 alone. This is the same Halliburton that signed contracts with Iraq worth $73 million through two subsidiaries while Cheney was at its helm. The same Halliburton that in 2005 quietly signed a major new business deal to help develop Tehran's natural gas fields. That's the same Tehran as in Iran as in "axis of evil" Iran as in we gonna build a nuke Iran. That Cheney is such a patriot...always thinking about the country's well being.

Your careless votes brought a man into office who promised to return the Office of the President to a respectable stature. He then authorized the leaking of a CIA agent's name for his own political purposes. Talk about integrity. Imagine how upset folks would be if he had gotten oral sex in the Oval Office.

Do you get my point here 16%? It really does matter how you vote. It really is important that you do a little homework on the candidates and that you aren't swayed by red, white and blue campaign ads.

It seems that you all may finally be coming to understand just how we've all been given the finger by this President. W's numbers have been dropping ever since Katrina and the "doin' a heck of a job Brownie" comment. Now that gas is at $3 a gallon, even the pointy headed, Red State uber patriots are beginning to wonder about the shaft they're getting. Yes sir, you can lie to the citizens of this great country, you can send their children off to die in an illegal war, you can invite graft and corruption into the White House, but you better not let the cost of gas get too high! That really pisses voters off and they will turn on ya'.

Maybe you've seen the bumper sticker that says, "If you aren't completely appalled, you haven't been paying attention." Me thinks you guys haven't been paying attention for most of the last 6 years. But I can assure you that those of us in the 49% have been completely appalled.

So maybe this coming November and again in 2008 you guys in the 16% could pay really close attention and get familiar with the candidates and become aware of their backgrounds and the power brokers who are giving them money. Maybe then we can begin to put a halt to the severe damage being done to our country.

It's kind of important, don't ya think?

Sincerely,

Gudpackage

PS In 2008, if a candidate for President can't correctly pronounce the word "nuclear", maybe he/she shouldn't get your vote. Capiche?

I can fix me but only you can fix you.

I've been reminded in recent days that just because I've chosen to work on myself (rehab, therapy, exploring spirituality, owning up to my behavior, etc, etc), that doesn't mean that those around me are under any obligation to do the same.

A little over a week ago I sent a few different relatives and friends thank you notes for their assistance in getting me around and helping me shop while I was without transportation. It seemed like the appropriate, polite thing to do and is what my momma always taught me was the sign of good manners. There was, however, one relative that looked right past the gesture and focused on, in a rather pointed way, the abhorrent error I made in misspelling their spouse's name (once again!).

Now, being totally honest here, I'm guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I did misspell the spouse's name on the envelope and card and it wasn't the first time. Indeed the relative had pointed this out to me a few weeks ago. The spouse has never made mention of this so I don't know if it bothers the spouse, the relative, or both of them. In discussing it with other family members, it seems that I am not the only one to make this gaffe. The name is a very common one but is one letter different from the usual spelling. Kind of like if your name was "Phil" and you spelled it "Phill". OK, are you with me?

So, the day my thank you card is received, I get an email from the relative that starts off misspelling my name in capital letters. Twice. The email then goes on to say:

"If you are being funny, the joke is not humorous.

If you are being negligent, please pay attention.

If you are being intentionally disrespectful,
please continue on right as you are doing."

Ummm, hello, I wasn't being anything other than my sometimes absent minded yet well intentioned self.

Now, this relative is prone to taking something like this and making a Federal Case of Intentional Disrespect out of it. I responded with an email that I just made a simple human goof, I meant no disrespect and that a Federal Case wasnt warranted. I further stated that the tone was mean, unnecessary and unappreciated. I also typed a letter of sincere apology to the spouse and mailed it. Yes, a Letter of Apology for misspelling the name on the Thank You note I had mailed a week earlier. Does anyone else have to do things like this with their family?

The response from the relative came back along with a PS:

" I have re-sent this, as it was undeliverable as you had addressed it when I tried to reply. I guess you changed your name to ***** in the address line to do this (****-*-******@austin.rr.com>). Seems to unnecessarily perpetuate this exchange concerning names. Just another joke on your part?"

Oh lawd. Actually I had misstyped it (yes, I misspelled my own name...do you see how prone to this I am? I certainly meant no disrespect to myself, intentional or otherwise) when I reloaded Windows on my PC a couple of weeks back. I thought it was a Road Runner tech who made the mistake, but no, it was me. I am the guilty party. I responded that it seemed to be an error on someone's part and that it seemed rather human.

The final exchange has the relative telling me to get over my "victim mentality." Well, I really don't feel like a "victim" here; the term "victim" evokes the feelings I had when my car window got smashed or when Bush was awarded the 2000 election by the Supremes. That's victimization! No, I am just annoyed that this relative, who really does have some wonderful qualities, can't see their own role in a situation. I am perplexed that they must always, always be right and the other person in the situation is making too much out of things and has a "victim mentality" or some other mental aberration that might require professional help. I am taken aback that they think they can send an arrogant, caustic communication and then act indignant that it provokes a less than friendly response.

But I'm clear that I will continue to work to improve my flawed self and continue to make small but steady advances. I'm also clear that I'm only responsible for improving me.

Everybody else is on their own.

The Soul Queen of Capitol Hill

The whole fiasco regarding Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-GA) and her allegations of being stopped by a Capitol Hill cop because he's white, doesn't recognize her because of her hair style change and that he is, therefore, racist, just stinks to high heaven. Under increasing pressure from House Democratic leaders, McKinney took to the House floor Thursday to apologize for an incident in which she allegedly assaulted a Capitol police officer. 'Bout time.

As Leonard Pitts said, McKinney trivialized racism to gratify her ego. Is there a problem with racial profiling by law enforcement? Yes. Are there racist cops out there? Yes. Are there a disproportionate number of black men going to prison? Yes. Should law enforcement officers treat all citizens with respect? Yes. Is Cynthia McKinney the victim of an abusive, racist Capitol Hill cop? I don't think so.

At a time when there are so many vitally important issues facing this country, McKinney pulled the spotlight onto herself. At a time when there are so many crises that confront the black community (and, therefore, all Americans), McKinney caused a flap because she is too arrogant to wear the nice little pin provided to all members of Congress. McKinney drew the spotlight to herself because she is too important to stop and identify herself to a Capitol cop. McKinney gave the Republicans someone to draw the news coverage away from all their scandals (imagine the image of Tom Delay calling her a racist!).

Rep. McKinney may be indicted by a grand jury for assault on the Capitol Hill cop. If she is, I wont be upset for her but I'll be very upset that the media has this story to focus on when the focus should be on the shameful conduct of Republicans.

Bad Cynthia, bad.

Staying Concious: Staying Grounded in a Busy Word

This is so good, I thought I'd post it to share with others and keep for myself.

1. Live simply and live deliberately. By choosing not to get caught up in the details of this fast-paced world, you are doing your part to slow it down. You will also discover that you have more time to enjoy being alive.

2. Stay in touch with yourself. Soul searching, meditation, and journaling are just a few of the many activities you can take part in to stay aware and learn as much as you can about your emotions, reactions, likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. Having a solid sense of self gives you a firm foundation for living in this world.

3. Support or teach others as often as you can. This can help you form connections with people while also giving you an opportunity to make the world a better place.

4. Consciously choose what you will allow into your being. The media bombards us with visions of hate, war, and pain. Be judicious about what you read, watch, and listen to.

5. Acknowledge the beauty that resides around you. Whether you live in a sprawling metropolis or a stereotypical suburb, there are natural and man-made wonders just waiting to be discovered by you.

6. Nurture your ties to your tribe. If you don't have one, create a community that you can belong to. Modern life can be isolating. When you have a tribe, you have a circle that you are a part of. Its members - loved ones, friends, or neighbors - can be a source of support, caring, guidance, and companionship.

7. See the larger picture. Remember that the way that you choose to live is not the only way to live. Widen your perspective by exploring other modes of being through research, travel, and discussion.

8. Embrace the challenges that life presents to you, and challenge yourself often. After a time, even the most exciting jobs or lifestyles can seem routine. Never stop assimilating new knowledge about whatever you are doing, and your life will never seem dull.

9. Move your body. In this busy world, it can be easy to live a sedentary life. Movement reacquaints us with our bodies and connects us to the earth in a visceral way. It also restores our vitality.

10. Make time for stillness, silence, and solitude. The world can be noisy and we are subject to all kinds of noises nearly every waking hour. We are also often "on the go" and unable to relax. Being alone in a peaceful place and making time for quiet can help you stay in touch with yourself.

Leslie's Back, Helping to Keep Austin Wierd

I was overjoyed tonight to see on the news that Austin's resident cross dressing, homeless, former mayoral candidate Leslie Cochran had returned. Seems that Leslie had been on a little train/road trip to Iowa (huh?), Colorado, Nebraska (what?) and New Mexico. From what he said on the news, he had a nice trip although the cops in an Iowa city didn't seem to understand his unique fashion sense and threw him in jail for 7 days with a charge of Public Intoxication.

Now, for those who don't know, Leslie Alicia Cochran (who was born Al "Leslie" Cochran), is a resident celebrity and tourist attraction in Austin. Leslie is known for wearing a thing/bikini bottom and little else while hauling is cart of belongings around Austin. There arent many guys who can wear a bikini bottom quite like Leslie; his skinny, saggy, tanned rear end is, well, one of a kind. He usually also wears a nice matching pair of high heals that would make Tina Turner envious although on the news segment he was wearing pink slippers. His feet musta been hurting after all that hitchhiking.

I had the pleasure of sitting and having drinks with Leslie once. It was during his third run for mayor in 2003 (he got 1.9% of the vote that year, 3.5% in 2001 and was at his peak in 2000 with 7.7%). I had gone to local bar Charlies to meet a friend who ended up not showing up. I was about to leave when in walked Leslie, wearing a blue flight attendants uniform. I must say, it was a good color and he looked rather fetching. Rather than leave, I decided I shouldn't pass up an opportunity to have a drink with a mayoral candidate and celebrity so I offered to buy him a cocktail. My recollection is he chose some type of brandy concoction.

We chatted and drank for about two hours. Of course, all the queens that were at the bar looked at me like I had absoluteley lost my mind or was really, really hard up. Leslie was actually an entertaining chat. He's not dumb by any means; indeed he went to Florida State University although he never graduated. He is, however, a couple of rounds short of a full magazine. This may be a result of the coma he was in in 1977 but it may also have to do with Leslie's fondness for any type of mind altering chemical. I ended up buying him 3 drinks that night and chatting about his life (interesting to say the least), homelessness (chronic and, at times, dangerous), the election (he felt he had a good platform), sex (Leslie is omnisexual.....'nuff said) and his clothing (he likes to accessorize).

Welcome back Leslie. Glad you're home.

I'm Liberal and Damned Proud of It!

As the upcoming elections approach, we'll begin to be inundated with an onslaught of campaign commercials. The attack ads against Democratic candidates will almost certainly include an announcer who will use the term liberal, saying it with a tone that is dripping with acidity and a pejorative tone. In many areas of the country, this tactic will work as Republican candidates have been allowed by the Dem's to use the term as if it's a bad thing! The public has been conditioned over the last 20 years to hear the word in a negative light. I'm going to admit that I, too, have used the term progressive rather than liberal.

George Clooney, recent Oscar winner and producer of the film Good Night and Good Luck, recently wrote a column in which he came clean and, GASP!, admitted his liberalism. He stated "Too many people run away from the label. They whisper it like you'd whisper "I'm a Nazi." " Clooney said, "I am a liberal. And I make no apologies for it. Hell, I'm proud of it." Well George, make that two of us. *

What does being a liberal mean? Being a liberal means one prefers a society characterized by freedom of thought for individuals. It means favoring limitations on the power of government, religion and, yes, corporations. It means recognizing how vital the rule of law and the free exchange of ideas are. It means working for a system of government that is transparent. It means recognizing that dissent when your government is doing wrong has nothing to do with disloyalty. It means that individuals are entitled to some basic level of well being and that this takes precedent over the freedom from taxation. It means that the wrongs perpetrated by government will be addressed and changed (think slavery, think suffrage, think denial of civil rights). It means evolving as a society. It means progress as a nation and a people. It means, per the dictionary:

-Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry.
and
-Favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others; broad-minded.

So recognizing what the word means, my profile has now been changed to "Just your average, middle aged, gay, LIBERAL, recovering individual with a sense of humour and a passionate sense of politics." It's time to take the word back and use it in the proud way it should be.

Yes, I'm a Liberal!

*News item today (3/16/06) states that Clooney is disputing the blog posting with Arianna Huffington. There is no indication he retracted comments about being a liberal

A Constitutional Right to Avoid Procreation? Maybe a Right to Keep Your Pants Zipped

The gall of some guys. This dude in Michigan got a gal pregnant and is suing contending that men have a constitutional right to "avoid procreation." His attorney states that the case is the first to assert a constitutional freedom to "choose not to be a father" under the equal protection clause. The National Center for Men apparently had been planning this kind of legal challenge for more than a dozen years and recruited this shmuck as the plaintiff. "There's such a spectrum of choice that women have--it's her body, her pregnancy," Mel Feit, the group's director, told the Associated Press. "I'm trying to find a way for a man also to have some say over decisions that affect his life profoundly." Or maybe exercise a little personal responsibility?

Now Mr. I Been Wronged states that in the fall of 2004, he had a discussion with his then-girlfriend. Stud Boy told her he wasn't ready to have kids, according to the legal complaint. That's fine; I'm infertile and I'm using birth control just in case, she allegedly responded. When the woman found herself with child, she was unwilling to terminate the pregnancy. She gave birth to a baby girl and then obtained a court order requiring Mr. Oops Now I'm a Daddy to pay $500 a month in child support. Dumb Ass thus joined the ranks of men who argue they were duped into having children they never wanted and then forced to assume financial responsibilities for which they were unprepared.

I believe the way this dude could have a say over things would be for him to have kept Mr. Winkey behind the barn door or slapped a raincoat on him when he let him out. This guy knowingly engages in mutually consensual sex with his then girlfriend, she gets pregnant, chooses to have the baby and he whines "not fair"! I think not Sir. You play, you pay dude. That baby girl has half your genetic code because you needed to have an orgasm. Expensive moment of ecstasy huh?

I hope the courts not only rule against this jack ass, I hope they order him to have a very painful vasectomy, maybe even a penectomy and fine him $100,000 for unmitigated gall and extraordinary stupidity.

The Slow Beating Drums of Impeachment

Cities across the United States have taken up resolutions calling for W's impeachment, most notably San Francisco. The sentiment has rarely spread to rural America but the Vermont town of Newfane joined the chorus yesterday. Newfane voters called on Vermont's lone member of the U.S. House of Representatives, independent Representative Bernie Sanders, to file articles of impeachment against the president, alleging Bush misled the country about Iraq and engaged in illegal domestic spying.At least four other Vermont towns, spurred by publicity about Newfane's resolution, endorsed similar resolutions during Tuesday's meetings: Brookfield, Dummerston, Marlboro and Putney.

In the US House, a total of 25 US House members have co-sponsored Resolution 635 to create a select committee to investigate the grounds for impeaching President Bush. Now this will not happen as long as the US House remains in Republican hands but you may have noticed that the R's are running scared this year what with Abramoff, the port fiasco and, well, all that other stuff (I could go on and on but I'm tired of listing all the different scandals). November holds the promise of just such a change.

2006 looks to be a good year.

Meetings

I've been attending 12 step meetings regularly for over 7 months now (yes Virginia, he's been sober for 7+ months) and I've recently thought about things I like and what I get out of them. For the uninitiated, let me explain what takes place at a meeting.

The meeting begins with a call to order which, at the meeting I attend, takes the form of a small bell. The Chair of the meeting then reads a brief reminder of what AA is and recognizes individuals to read the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions of AA. The Chair then usually suggests a topic and may read from the "Big Book" or some other source. They generally will share their experience and then turn it over to the floor for open discussion. People may address the topic raised by the Chair or they may raise a subject of their own that they choose to talk about. This goes on till about the half hour at which time a basket is passed for donations. Then discussion is continued until the end of the hour at when time is reserved for last minute comments people need to make ( a "burning desire"). After that, chips marking different lengths of sobriety are passed out and the awardees have the opportunity to speak. The meeting ends with all in attendance gathering in a circle, arms around each others shoulders, reciting the Serenity Prayer or perhaps the Lords Prayer.

When I first attended a 12 Step meeting, I knew for sure that I was in the presence of members of a cult who would surely brain wash me and make me perform their strange rituals. When someone would go to speak and say, "My name is John and I'm an alcoholic/addict" and the people in the room would respond, "Hi John", I'd cringe and think how incredibly strange this all was. Funny how now it's a comfort to me when I say, "My name is Gudpackage and I'm an addict" and they respond, "Hi Gud" (ok, so in the meetings I dont go by Gudpackage, but the idea is anonymity, right?). The motivation behind this is the fact that so many addicts/alcoholics feel so terribly alone and isolated and by greeting a person in such a way, the hope is that they will feel welcome and embraced by people who share their illness. At first, I just felt strange; now, I feel a part of an important group.

As I listen to people speak, I almost always find something useful in what they have to say. Whether it's the story of what it was like when they were using, how they got clean, their continued struggles with sobriety, their frustration of the day or, conversely, their fantastic moment of they day, there is almost always something I can get out of it. Rarely am I bored and sometimes some of the things people have to say or stories thay have to tell are sidesplittingly funny. Inebriated behavior, while often tragic and sad, is also often hilarious and one just has to be able to laugh at things.

Attending these meetings reminds me that the disease of addiction cuts across all socio-economic lines, all racial lines, genders, sexual orientations, religious affiliations and virtually any other dilineation one might care to make. I'm not the only one, I'm not unique and no matter how bad things may have gotten for me, there is always someone who has an even worse situation. One also experiences a camraderie among people with this same experience.

I haven't been able to attend meetings as often as I would like due to my lack of transportation. I've depended on Cap Metro and a thoughtful friend who lives close by and attends the same group. But that's about to change and my attendance will increase. This is important as I need to hear people's stories, tell my own and always be reminded of why I never want to go back to the way things were just over 7 months ago.

Some Days It's Best to Just Start Over

Most days I find myself in a pretty darned good mood, sometimes referring to it as having Prozac Moments although I'm not currently taking an anti-depressant. It can be downright annoying to some folks, particularly at my 12 step meetings when I speak. It's almost as if some of the other attendees are like, "Oh god, here goes Little Mary Sunshine again, all cheery and looking at life with rose colored glasses. Blech!". But really, life is good! Really!

Yesterday, however, I got up in a rather foul mood. Now maybe it was the fact that, for some unexplainable reason, I woke up at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep but usually that just makes me tired, not grumpy. That was not the case March 1st though; everything seemed to be an irritant. The a/c kicking on, the dog barking downstairs, the a/c staying on too long, the silly car jingle on tv, the drippy kitchen sink, the fact that I'm out of my favorite juice, my slow computer, having to change rolls of toilet paper. You name it, I was bugged by it. Then I get to work where we're holding double digit numbers of calls and the calls I'm getting are each convoluted, messed up situations with whiney, not rocket scientist callers. They had the I Gave You My Bank Debit Card Number To Buy A Policy But I Didn't Mean For You To Really Take My Money And Now I'm Overdrawn And I Need You To Refund My Money And Fix Things kinda problems. OK.

I was being less than my usual pleasant self. Indeed, I was getting a bit surley with callers and fellow employees. I kept trying to take a deep breath and renew my attitude but it just wasn't working. When you have to make a Herculean effort to keep from telling a caller how sorry you are that they are so incredibly inept, it's a sign that your attitude ain't quite what it should be. I made it four hours, called the leave early line, grabbed a cab, came home, tried not to answer the phone and just hibernated.

Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and wait for the new day.

Black, White and All Shades in Between

I watched Oprah today during my daily workout at the company gym. I always take my break at 4pm so I can see her show. Guess I'm a man who's very secure in his masculinity (ok, ok, I'm gay too and, stereotypically, we're supposed to love Oprah, right?). The topic of her show was race and featured two families, the Sparks family, who are African-American, and the Wurgel family, who are white, who shared a home in L.A. for a new documentary series called "Black. White." Using cutting-edge Hollywood makeup techniques, the Sparks family became white and the Wurgel family became black. After several hours in the makeup chair each day, both families would go out into the world to see what life is like as the member of a different race. In their new skin, the Sparks and the Wurgels went undercover shopping, working and socializing with the opposite race. What followed was a fascinating and, at times, very heated conversation about their experiences.

As I watched this, it dawned on me that being white and having been raised in upper middle class (at times wealthy), white neighborhoods, I have little insight and understanding as to what it's like to grow up as an African American in the United States. I can read about black experiences and concerns (which I have, extensively), I can take African American history (which I did in college), I can go see black authors and speakers (seeing Maya Angelou was one of the highlights of my life), I can listen closely to black friends and what they've experienced but when it comes down to it, I can't truly understand a black American experience. My genetics and upbringing don't allow me to. I do, however, have some understanding of what it's like to be a minority that is often maligned, viewed with suspicion and discriminated against. Gay folks experience these things and I've seen and felt the sting of bigotry on a first hand basis. I understand just how poisonous being on the receiving end of discrimination can be to one's soul and it makes me especially capable of rage when I see it in any form, directed towards any individual.

The other issue that was raised in the program was the issue of the use of the "N" word. The black family was uncomfortable, indeed angered, when the white father, while dressed in black "drag" and in a African American focus group, used the word as part of his black persona. The white father defended his use saying that he understood the word to be used commonly, almost affectionately, amongst black folks. Oprah related an experience she and her black security guard/driver had as she arrived at Nelson Mandela's home once. Mandela's doorman greeted them by saying, "Welcome, please come in my n---ers." Taken aback by this, Winfrey's guard pulled the doorman aside and advised him that that term wasn't ok. He replied that he was sorry and that he was just going by American movies and music videos he'd seen and thought that what he'd seen in them indicated that this was an popular, ordinary and acceptable term.

It reminded me of being a teenager and listening to Richard Pryor who was the funniest and most influential comedian of the time. He used the term freely, actually hilariously and, in doing so, taught me and my friends and countless other people that it was ok use this reference. A few short years later, Pryor went to Africa and when he returned he announced that he would no longer use the term; he stated that when he was in Africa he had seen black people in a new way, and repudiated the word, purging it from his act. Pryor said, "It was a wretched word. Its connotations weren't funny, even when people laughed. To this day, I wish I'd never said the word. I felt its lameness. It was misunderstood by people. They didn't get what I was talking about. Neither did I." In making this change, Richard Pryor taught me that it wasn't ok to use this word so I too purged it from my lingo. Ever since when I've heard it used, be it by racists, rhapsodists or rappers, it's bothered me.

Race in America is never an easy subject, always sure to set people on edge and open the door to painful memories and experiences. I'm just thankful that I have friends from all ethnic backgrounds. How boring would life be to just know and experience only people that looked like me and had a similar background? I appreciate peoples differences but even more so I appreciate how very similar we really all are in our common humanity.

Dear Dick

Dear Vice President Cheney:

For several years now I've thought you might be a dangerous man and was very aware that you had an affinity for torture. I'd thought that your only interest in killing people was the poor ones in foreign countries and it was also evident that you didn't particularly care about the deaths of military folks we were sending overseas. Little did I realize that you'll endanger anyone's life including long time, right wing cronies of yours. You give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "The gang that couldnt shoot straight."

It used to be that you just popped off on the floor of the US Senate where I recall that you once shirked Senate decorum and told Sen. Patrick Leahy to "F--- off." Now you're using a shotgun instead. Kind of an alarming progression, don't you think? No wonder the President has followed your bidding so closely. Guess he knows just what you're capable of, huh? By the way, don't get any ideas about taking W hunting. First of all, I doubt he'd go with you now. Secondly, as a friend of mine pointed out, if you should nail the President with a shotgun, there is no way the country is going to let you assume the office after you just killed a sitting President! You're a devious, conniving person Dick Cheney, but I think W and the Secret Service will be keeping a close eye on you after this little incident.

Now if I'm wrong about your intentions and this is just a safety issue, jeez Dick (and I do mean dick), your buddies at the NRA sponsor all kinds of gun safety classes! Given your long time affiliation with them, you should just be able to make a call and get enrolled in one. Heck, considering all you've done to keep high powered weapons and cop killer bullets on the streets of this country, they'll probably even enroll you for free. Might want to check into it for the safety of all those around you.

Hunting for quail and bagged an attorney, you're a real pistol Dick!

Sincerely,
gudpackage

Cousin Liz or Am I Just an Old Queen?

I've known since I was little that I was somehow related to the British royal family. Indeed, my lineage includes notables such as Sampson Connell, wagon master at the Battle of San Jacinto, and Richard Payne Ransom, a Commander in the Continental Army. Growing up, I was very fond of my paternal grandmother, Esther Connell Miller, and my great aunt, Lee Miller Blake, both of whom were member of the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR) and the Daughters of the Republic of Texas, organizations for nice, rich, white ladies whose ancestors trace to the American and Texas Revolutions. Aunt Lee could take her thumb off and put it back on which was totally cool to a 5 year old boy, but that's another story. While both organizations have since embraced nondiscrimination, it will be remembered that the DAR banned African American contralto Marian Anderson from performing at their headquarters, Constitution Hall, on Easter Sunday 1939 in the then-segregated city of Washington D.C. In protest, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt resigned her membership and helped arrange a special public performance for the singer in front of the Lincoln Memorial on that day with an audience of 70,000. So there DAR!

While futzing around in old files, I came across the lineage papers a wealthy aunt had drawn up 60+ years ago and I note that the line of names that goes back gets rather impressive: Miller, Ransom, Jarret, Mimms, Poynings, Edward III, Edward I, Alfred the Great and Charlemagne. Now you would think that with that kind of bloodline, I wouldn't have to use coupons and scour the weekly grocery sections for the best deals. Maybe have a footman or two, right? Be driven around in a Bentley? Have someone refer to me as "My Lord"? Be able to spend the weekend at Balmoral? Well, it doesn't appear that's going to happen. Hell, Cousin Liz (we are cousins after all, albeit a couple of dozen times removed) didn't even bother to invite me in at Buckingham Palace when I was there a couple of years back. I realize she was busy getting ready to head to a ceremony and all and she did wave at me as she passed by but a cup of tea with her long lost cousin would have been nice. Instead, all I got was the picture you see above. Ya know, if she came to Austin you can bet I'd host a dinner for her and invite Leslie Cochran, Lance Armstrong and some other Austin notables or at least take her out to the Spoke for a show so she could kick up her heels. Oh well, guess she's just on the snooty side of the family. Good thing I have my own throne even if it is porcelain.

A Little Progress

OK, I've got to crow a little bit here. I just got back from my daily lunch time work out and today I had a fitness assessment done. Since September, I've lost 8 pounds, an inch around my waist, added a quarter inch to my arms and chest and added a half inch to my thighs. But the best news of all is I've lost almost 5% body fat!

The scores are: Sept '05- 22% Feb '06 - 17.25%


The goal is the 12% that I enjoyed having from age 40 until about 2 years ago when I started eating junk and laying around 20+ hours a day. Progress, slow and steady progress.

The Gifts of Sobriety

January 28th marked 6 months clean for me and I was struck with the realization that so many great things are coming into my life as a result. I find myself enjoying stellar health and am well on my way to meeting my goal of having a similar level of fitness as I enjoyed 4 years ago. I'm enjoying a lack of turbulence and chaos in my life; boredom is not necessarily a bad thing. I actually have money left in my bank account at the end of each month and all my bills are paid on time. I'm dating a really cute, intelligent, vivacious guy who seems truly interested in me and appears to like the fact that he doesn't have to deal with an intoxicated boyfriend (which was his previous experience). I'm rebuilding relationships I thought were long since destroyed and have recently gotten a call from old friends whom I'd done wrong over a decade ago; they are forgiving and wish to renew the friendship. Nine out of every ten days I wake up and enjoy a good day. Call it karma, call it God, call it the ways of the universe, but I'm finding that as long as I maintain clarity, attempt to remain concious of how I'm feeling and why and I attempt to do the right thing, good things continue to come my way.

And for this, we are grateful.

Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.............................

Rep. Bob Ney announced today he was giving up his position as chair of the House Administration Committee. According to court papers filed in the Jack Abramoff case, Abramoff supplied a member of Congress -- identified only as "Representative 1" -- with gifts in exchange for getting the lawmaker to help his clients, including agreeing to support specific bills and placing statements in the Congressional Record. It appears that Ney is Representative 1. Ney was qouted as saying, ""Once these false allegations have been put to rest, and I have the full confidence that they will be, I look forward to resuming the chair for the rest of my appointed term and continuing the important work of the committee." Uh huh. Reminds me of what another Congressman said not too long ago, "I have done nothing wrong, I have violated no law, no regulation, no rule of the House." That one is Tom Delay and we all know how well things are going for him.

The Abramoff scandal promises to keep the public focused on the shenanigans of the Republican Congress. Yes Virginia, there are a few Dems involved but, despite how the Chairman of the RNC, the talkin heads on Faux Neus and other right wingers try to portray this, it's a Republican scandal. The majority of those who will be indicted (yes, will be indicted) will be Republicans and the fact that Abramoff was a Republican insider who had strong pull with the Bush White House is yet another drip in the ever filling bucket of feculence that is this Republican government.

The scandals keep coming. Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham and his taste for yachts and chilled champagne, the mishandling of the aftermath of that little hurricane named Katrina ("You're doin' a heck of a job Brownie"), there's Plamegate and the "Scooter" Libby indictmant, Sen. Frist's stock sale being investigated by the SEC, DeLay's indictment in Texas, Bush's illegal order to wiretap Americans without a warrant, Abramoff and all that he will bring to the headlines in 2006. Those are just the biggies. There are a number of smaller scandles that have been in the mix for a while, any one of which could come to the forefront in the next few months and don't forget that Special Prosecutor Fitzgerald is still investigating the Plame affair so Karl Rove aint outta the woods yet.

Drip, drip, drip, drip..............

The Links

On the right hand side of this blog, below my profile, are links to some websites that I like and to some friends sites/blogs. I was scolded yesterday by a friend who had only then discovered my blog (I thought he'd seen it via my comments on his...oops, guess not) for not having his blog linked on mine. Well Santi, consider yourself linked.

Here's a brief synopsis of the friends blogs:

Cathie : I've never met Cathie. She ended up linked on my site because in the "early days", she posted a comment on my site that she was in the process of starting her own blog and liked my style. We've kept up with each other's blogs ever since. As best I can tell, Cathie is originally from Australia, is married and has kids, lives in Virginia, is a liberal like myself, has a good sense of humor and watches way too much TV. Guess that's why her blog is called Cathie Watches TV, huh? That's one of the cool things about the internet, you can make a connection with people you've never met. I'm glad to have connected with Cathie; maybe we'll meet one day.

Brad : Brad's an old friend who liked the idea of a blog and started his own. We have the same political views but he's a bit of a football lunatic. We all have our shortcomings; the football thing is one of Brad's. I forgive him for it.

Santi : I've known Santiago for a while now. Our friendship has been detailed yet cursory, close yet distant, straightforward yet abstract. We work at the same company where, as he puts it, we're both Customer Service Bitches. A sensitive thinker, Santi writes about his life in Austin, love gained, love lost, his fascination with reality TV and his observations about life. It's an entertaining read with some great links of it's own.

Michael : Michael's an old friend from my days at the Luxury Collection. Michael and I have travelled together, spent more than a few inebriated evenings together, had a number of good times and hung out a couple of gay bars together (although Michael is not gay....very, very not gay). He's a talented artist, writer and songwriter. He hasn't done anything with his site in......well, a hell of a long time. I think he's become addicted to some damn computer game. Maybe one day he'll write again.

10 Final Thoughts for 2005

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which it is possible for one to die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a guy without a hard-on, fix him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks at a time.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for much of anything, but you still can't repress a smile when you see one tumbling down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, when everyone finally realizes that chocolate is a major food group.
Number 4 - All of us could take a good lesson from the weather. It pays no attention at all to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 FINAL THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got single a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe the Department of Agriculture should be in charge of immigration.

by unknown, D. Cutrer and E. Miller